What freedom means for a woman in the 21 st century?

I am planning to share couple of stories from my life which made me feel free from the societal expectations and from my own preconceptions. Which I have a lot. We all have a lot.

As all human being, we are being socialised in a bubble of what is good looks like for a person living in a certain age. Being an obeying kid, being a good student, being a good taxpayer, being a good partner, being a good woman or man.

This book/blog is a about life from a viewpoint of an ordinary girl.

This book is about a never-ending fight with myself, sex, drugs, feminism, career, self-destruction and self-fulfilment.

This book is about physical strength and CrossFit, about sailing across the Atlantic Ocean, about family and suffering and never ending positivism. I had always strong values about life such as being honest, being useful and valuable part of the society, be proactive and helpful. I grow up in a family where I was the second oldest and I always took great responsibility and care of my siblings. I have tried to be a good sister and good daughter. For example, when I was 12 I let the Mormons to baptise me to make my mom happy. Or when I came back from the USA at the age of 16 and got into techno parties I started to sell drugs as I thought I could help people to get access to things which make them happy (so naive and stupid right?!). I know that some of you judging me now and will judge me, but if you read the whole story, I promise, all will make sense. Or not.

Freedom for me is when one accepts herself. Her own thoughts, decisions and actions. For me it’s a never-ending activity because we always change as we grow physically and mentally. One of my biggest challenge in my childhood was to be accepted and appreciated by my parents. They divorced before I was born but stayed in “touch”. So I was born and then 2 other sisters and a brother. Anyway. The point I want to make is that the first step towards the feeling of freedom for me was to get rid of the deeply embedded feeling that I am responsible for my family’s decisions and happiness. One of my really good friend’s mom helped me to realise that until I become a bit more selfish, I won’t be able to be happy. But it was against of my values so I really had to dig deep. And I am still digging. It’s not easy because it’s my family, right?

The first milestone was to realise that there are lots things around me which I cannot control, cannot influence.

If my brother wants to kill himself by cutting his veins, to only thing I can do is to jump on a train when he calls me, go to his place and listen to him while cleaning up the blood. Or when my mom tries to kill herself by overdosing herself with pills I can help her to listen to her, find a mental health doctor and hope that she will attend the appointment that I booked and paid for her. These things happened many years ago. Luckily nowadays nobody is trying to kill herself/himself but tension in my family. I did grow out from the “superhero” role when I thought that I can save everybody and make them happy but it was really difficult.

Thank you for reading my intro. Please give a feedback somehow if you want to hear more.